Being pregnant for the 2nd time, I thought I had all ends covered. Never knew that emotions will once again be on a roll.
Listening to Ryan call me on the phone can trigger my tears. Wanting to starve myself yet stuff myself to relieve my crazy emotions.
Feeling guilty towards baby girl if I actually did both. I am still very mad over the fact that she turned herself upwards. Why in the world did she do that? Isn't it natural for babies to be in the down position? What's so unnatural that she had to do it at 31weeks?
MIL isn't helping as she keeps requesting to go back to work, stating that cooking for the family is way too tiring.
Raymond wanted to buy me a phone. I chose Samsung Galaxy Note. Planned to go buy after work but because I forgot to tell MIL not to cook our share of dinner this morning before leaving the house, I have to give up the idea of getting it today.
No idea what the deal is. She has yet to cook. What type of advance notice does she require? Why is it so hard to communicate? Age barrier? Difference in operating a family?
Called her this afternoon after considering the timing she will reach home after fetching Ryan @ 12.40pm. Had a hell of a scolding and nagging which resulted in further emotion rush. I decided to go back for dinner as scheduled. I am so sick of being tied down by her. Why did I allow her to take care of Ryan in the first place?
I should have made my stand to put Ryan in a childcare centre when I went back to work. Then all these issues wouldn't have come up.
My only hopes of actually surviving emotionally and physically is to move out of that freak show family. Bringing just the four of us into a place we actually call home. Definition that you feel the coziness and comfort instead of the intense stress level upon stepping into the current house.
Only comfort I have at the moment is the pleasant beaming smile on Ryan's face as I un-click the locks on the gate. I have a sudden rush to go home and hug my darling as he's the only person currently capable of comforting me. Raymond has issues of his own. Not blaming him for being insensitive since he was brought up this way. With such an unfeeling mother, how much feelings can her son have?
I strive to provide both my kids with love and concern. Regardless if they grow up to be soft at heart or people with huge sympathy for others. What could be worse? Unfeeling adults or Over sympathetic adults? I will strive to shower my kids with all the love I can give. Sacrifice everything for them. I will never let history repeat itself and let my kids grow up being overly independent and unfeeling.
Not nice having sucidal thoughts at this point. I hope my pre-natal blues go away soon. I'm just so tired. Someone please put me out of my misery. Totally understand why mothers jump off a building together with their kids. Because they can't leave w/o them. I hope in the next 4yrs I'll control myself better and look forward to a beautiful future with my husband and kids.
Really hope no one else infiltrate into our homes and lives.
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